NOT ANOTHER LOVE STORY

I have just woken up. Just opened my eyes. And as if on cue, a thought flashes across my mind. Her thought. And this has been the case for many mornings now…almost like a ritual. The ‘Her’ in question here is not my girlfriend, present or ‘ex’, neither is our relationship any form of a prospectively romantic one, that one may wish it turns in to in the near or distant future. So hopeless is my case that I wish I could somehow catch the moment I started letting my emotions for her slip out of control and put it in front of the South African fast bowlers to give our boys some company in their tragic exile! So if you’re ready, let me begin my tale. Better grab some popcorn for its going to be a pretty long one!

It was the early days of summer last year when I first met her at my new workplace. Quite a small, little bundle of joy she was. It wasn’t love at first sight though neither did I feel the romantic strings of my heart being tugged at. She was quite jittery and nervous whenever she was in my vicinity. Often she'd pass a nervous smile, making eye contact and then quickly dismissing it as soon as I took notice. I couldn’t help but wryly smile avoiding her detection. Oh, that feeling! Those days were quite very different from the usual mundane ones. My mornings were made so much brighter by her wishing me ‘good morning’ every day without fail and a ‘bye’ before we both retired for the day. Simple things, it would seem, but it felt so good. In these days of social activity, it was only a matter of time before we joined forces on Facebook. And then began long sessions of sharing our thoughts with the virtual avatars of ourselves. I was amazed at the ease with which she conversed considering the nervous self she was with me in person. We got along quite well. Every evening, for the next few months to follow, when I got home and checked my online profile, the one thing I would find without fail was a ‘hi’ from her. I must admit I loved it and those were the moments that made me addicted to her, that made me realize that love can happen twice! Even five years after a bad break-up. And that was when I let my guard slip.

Something which I so deeply regret now. I should have checked my emotions. Why? Because the team she was a part of was due to leave for better shores pretty soon. I knew this. I knew we might never meet again after she’s gone. But I did pretty much nothing to stop myself from doing it, to be honest, it felt good to feel the way she had made me feel after so many years. To wake up with the knowledge that in a few hours, I shall see the face again that has been lightening up my life. It felt good to know that when I would reach home, I will have a text to reply back to about how my day fared and which will then act as a precursor to a whole new range of discussions. I felt alive being just with the thought of her. I knew I will be missing her badly once she leaves but I did not want to face that day before it actually came knocking at my door.

Days passed on and it was time for an official lunch party at our workplace which I was unsure to attend as I was a bit under the weather. She was quite pumped up about it as she was part of the group which was organising the party. I told her why I could not attend. She declared she wanted to see me there no matter what. God knows I could have gulped down bottles after bottles of cough syrup and strips after strips of aspirin just to be near her the next day. Astonishingly I felt a lot better the following morning, at least fit enough to go and I am so glad I did. I sat with all of my colleagues. My eyes frantically searching for a glimpse of her but nowhere did I see her until that moment! That moment when out of the blue she appeared near the doorway, a few yards away from me. Her eyes met mine. And I, like never before, got transfixed onto her eyes and then it happened. She smiled. She smiled at me and it was not the usual smile that greeted me every morning. It was something else. A smile, the equivalent of which I had never seen before. For that brief moment under the sun, she appeared to me as the most beautiful creation that I had ever set my eyes on. It is a shame I am no da Vinci, for that smile deserved a work of art as it could give the ‘Mona Lisa’ a run for its money. The moment passed, but not before making me realize that I had fallen for her big time. I was in love. A love that was forbidden for me, the reasons for which being the society and the barriers it has created around us. I knew nothing could happen between us, no matter how desperately I wanted it to, for there are issues that are beyond the scope of this article. As incomplete as it may seem, that is the best I can describe the problems that haunted me.

A few days later, that dreaded day finally came when she was to bid goodbye. God knows how I did not want the day to end. I wrote her a memo. She brought me lunch, consisting of my favourite Chinese noodles that she cooked for me, the taste of which I’ll never forget. That day we sat at the same table for the first time for around an hour. Talked about a few things we never talked about. She showed me a few of her family pictures, mostly of her mother. But all this while, my mind was engulfed in just one thought- Should I let her go without letting her know how I feel about her? And even if I do tell her, what good will it do to my cause considering the problems (which better remain a secret with me) which might arise between us if she responds in the affirmative? All that time, I gazed into the glow of her face which I might never see again. I wanted to hold her and tell her to just be with me for her smile has been the oxygen I had been breathing in all these days. But then self-realization occurred and I realised the fact that maybe I shouldn’t tell her anything. Maybe to her, I was just a happy book whose pages she might turn when sitting idle and that’s it, no more. Maybe she doesn’t feel about me the way I do about her. Maybe she too was just a book for me. But of course, I knew she was so much more. She left and I was left to pick up the broken pieces of my heart once more. All those sad Bollywood songs once again became my constant companion. The sleepless nights, the feeling of emptiness and a strange urge to eat biryani (although I now know this wasn’t because of her leaving) surrounded me. But even then this distance felt different for all she left me with are happy memories of us. Those chats, those secret glances, that smile for me… She was the best thing that happened to me that which I could not make mine. Having said that, even today, quite a few weeks since we last met, just a passing thought of her doesn’t fail to bring a bright smile on my face…Every single day, so much so that even while I am writing this, I can’t help but smile for I am writing this for her. Whoever said one-sided love only gives pain! Her name? Well, I feel her real name doesn’t do her justice. Because she’s as vibrant, joyous and colourful as a butterfly, I call her, or rather used to call her ‘Titli’. My Titli, I wish I could say…